Tree Hugging Little Girl

I will never forget the day that I was told that my grandmother was not my mom.  See, I was raised up until I was seven to believe that my grandmother was my mother.  My grandmother, did the best that she could I think, but I have always had this longing for a real mom.

See, I was born to a young fourteen year old girl named Patti Ann, my father, Ronald Shelley was 8 years older than her.  I am sure that Patti was fascinated by romance since my Grandpa Robert Stringfield left her life at a young age. She had no male role models around and was a little rebellious and mesmerized by love.  Ronald lived down the street from my mom and would always see her hanging out.  Well, lust ensued, and a baby came to be.  Me.

My grandmother Mary put my mom in a girl’s home during her pregnancy as punishment and because my grandmother was embarrassed.  The letters that I have from Patti, are of her begging to be loved and to come home; and how sorry she was for having sex. My grandmother wouldn’t have it. So the day I was born, my grandmother, legally took me from Patti and legally adopted me.  I went home with my grandma and Patti went back to the girls home. I was raised thinking that my grandma was my mom.  She told me Patti was my older sister and I believed her.  I didn’t know that my brother’s and sister’s were actually my Aunt’s and Uncle. (I hope you are still following). They were also told to lie to me. They must have hated that, because they loved me so so much.

One day I remember coming home from school upset because someone asked me, “Why is your mom so old.” She was only Forty-eight, but I guess when you are seven, having a forty-eight year old mother was kinda weird to everyone else.  To me it was normal because, well, she was my mother! So, my feelings were hurt and I asked her why she waited so long to have me.  That was when she told me that she was not my mother, that she was my grandmother.  My little tiny heart was ripped to pieces. WHAT!? Where is my mom then, I asked. She said that Patti had made some bad decisions and that she was not fit to be my mother.

I had met Patti, spent time with Patti, loved “Aunt” Patti.  How could this be? I thought this is the weirdest thing in the world. I was sad, mad, angry, hurt, deceived, stolen from, and just plain wrecked. How could someone love me and lie to me? Why didn’t she let me see my momma more? All of this started making sense to me, because when Patti would come and visit, my grandma and her would get into arguments about letting me “go” with her.  I was always sent to my room, but could still hear the fighting. She let me go places with Aunt Debbie, why not “Aunt” Patti? Now I knew why, she was afraid Patti would keep me and run off with me. My real mom actually loved me and wanted me with her, but my grandmother refused it.

To this day, I am grateful for my grandmother’s decisions because I would have lived a life of hell and torment, which I will save for another blog. When I asked about my “real” dad, she told me, “Patti had sex a lot and we don’t know who your dad is.” (Which was a lie too.) So, I walked to my room and sat…and sat…for a long time, I sat there and thought about why my life was so different than my friends. Why I couldn’t have sleep overs, why I wasn’t allowed at sleep overs, or parties, or any sports. I thought about my dad and knew in my heart that if he only knew me, he would love me and I would be the best daughter in the world!!! I got up from my room and went out to the backyard.  There was a large tree where I liked to hide behind when I was pretending to be alone on some deserted island.  That day, I stood in front of the tree and looked up at its’ majestic trunk and branches.  I examined every leaf thought, I bet my dad is big and tall like this tree.  I thought, maybe if I hug the tree my dad will feel it. I squeezed that tree for what seemed like an eternity with tears rolling down my face, my body shaking under grief, knowing I would never hold my real dad. I would never feel his big arms around me or never run and jump into his lap. My dad was the tree and I was branch of him.

After these last 13 years of being with the Lord, that memory has stuck out in my mind as precious.  It was so representative of God.  God was the tree, deep rooted, strong, unwavering, and so huge.  I would talk to the tree anytime I was sad.  I was talking to God. I am a branch of not only my natural father but the Father of the heavens.  He has been my strength. There is a song that reminds me of my Heavenly Father and when I hear these lyrics, I smile. I smile so big inside and out that I am surprised my face doesn’t freeze. This is real love. Below are the lyrics. “You better just brace yourself because He’s about to just blow in this place. And we’re gonna encounter the love of God right now.” Jesus Culture-Kim Walker-“How He Loves Us”

He is jealous for me
Love’s like a hurricane, and I am a tree
Bending beneath the weight of His wind and mercy
When all of a sudden,
I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory
And I realize just how beautiful you are and how great your affections are for me.

And oh
How He loves us oh
Oh how He loves us
how He loves us oh

He is jealous for me
Love’s like a hurricane, and I am a tree
Bending beneath the weight of His wind and mercy
When all of a sudden,
I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory
And I realize just how beautiful you are and how great your affections are for me.

And oh
How He loves us oh
Oh how He loves us
how He loves us oh (repeat 3 times)

We are His portion and He is our prize
Drawn to redemption by the grace in his eyes
If grace is an ocean, we’re all sinking (ha ha)
So heaven meets earth like a sloppy wet kiss
And my heart turns violently inside of my chest
I don’t have time to maintain these regrets
when I think about the way

He loves us
Oh how He loves us
Oh how He loves us
Oh how He loves
Yeah He loves us
Oh how He loves us
Oh how He loves us
Oh how He loves yeah yeah

[Kim Walker speaks]
Yeah
His presence. His love.
Is so thick and tangible in this room tonight.
And there are some of you here that have not encountered the love of God.
And tonight God wants to encounter you.
And wants you to feel His love.
His amazing love.
Without it these are just songs.
These are just words.
These are just instruments.
Without the love of God, it’s just like we’re just up here just making noise.
But the love of God changes us,
And we’re never the same,
We’re never the same
After we encounter the love of God
We’re never the same after we encounter the love of God
And right now if you haven’t encountered the love of God,
And you would know,
Because you wouldn’t be the same.
You would never be the same again.
And if you, if you, want to encounter the love of God right now,
You better just brace yourself because He’s about to just blow in this place
And we’re gonna encounter the love of God right now.
So God I speak to all the hearts
And I ask God that every heart be open right now
Every heart be open.
Every spirit be opened up
To you God. To You.
And a love encounter
A love encounter from you tonight
A love encounter from you tonight God.