So the things that I’m going to share with you are pretty private and personal. Although I have decided to go ahead and publish my life for healing purposes. When I was about eight years old I started experimenting with my body. I didn’t know why I found it fascinating but I did.
See, my grandmother was very beautiful. She was Charming, sexy, and skinny. My grandmother would have a lot of visitors come by and most of them were police officers married and unmarried. Most of them were younger than her except for two that stand out in my mind, but I will leave their names out because they are still married. They would buy her gifts from Tiffany’s and they would occasionally bring me gifts, which was awesome.
So as long as I can remember, I had a fear of ghosts so, I slept with my grandma, she brought comfort and peace to me. My tainted view of life started when my grandma started kicking me out of her bedroom, so that she could have sex with whoever came by to the spend the night. It became a routine that she would say ,”‘so and so’ is coming by tonight so you’re going to have to sleep in your own bed.” I never asked why, I just always kind of knew about it and I figured it out. She would get dressed up in sexy negligees and start pouring bourbon into gold rimmed glasses (which I still own). I knew that when there was a knock on the door, I was allowed to say hello and then I had to go to bed. I would turn on my radio to classical music so that I could sleep without fear of the dark ( to this day, that is the only thing that brings me peace second to worship music). It was right around that time when I started to become sexually active with myself.
One night I remember that I was organizing her office supply closet, and I came across some Polaroid pictures of private body parts and sex acts. I wasn’t super surprised, really because I didn’t know what in the world I was looking at, until I saw my grandmother’s face in one giving oral. I immediately called my Aunt Debbie, horrified of what I found! I mean who was my grandmother? Was she this disgusting individual that took me to church on Sunday, crossed her chest in front of the Lord, took her communion, and kneeled to pray, this same individual that was taking pornographic shots with her body? I was traumatized. My Aunt Debbie confronted her and after that, I wasn’t allowed to see my Favorite Aunt for about 6 months. No explanation, no words, but now a pad lock installed on her bedroom door.
Just like any other normal rebellious girl, I figured out a way to pick the lock. One day when she was at work, I picked the lock and started going through my grandma’s things in her drawer. I found a vibrator, which I actually held and had no idea what it was until several years later, and a very nasty book that was a diary about a man’s sex life. It was definitely pornographic writing to be sure. Every time she would leave and go somewhere I would run to her room, pick the lock, and start reading that book. I was addicted to it. It made me feel good all over and I wanted to experience that deep love making of this caring man, I wanted to feel loved. So by the time I was 13 I started becoming really interested in love, sex, and boys. When I was 14 I had my first sexual encounter with a boy name James from church. We had a make-out session in the custodian’s closet but when it came time for him to press into me physiology didn’t let it happen. My second encounter of sex was when I had spent the night at my friend Jenny’s house and we decided to go driving out to a place where everyone would hangout in Catoosa Oklahoma. This is the first time I got drunk and I ended up having sex with twins (kinda brief but I want to keep it like that). My life snowballed down from there. I started having unprotected sex with quite a few boys and it only kept getting worse and worse. I was looking for someone to love me and someone to fill that void of not having a man in my life. I was mirroring my grandmother and I was neglected and forgotten by her.
So, after a pregnancy scare, I told her I was having sex, because I didn’t want to get pregnant at age 14 like my mother. My grandmother took me to Planned Parenthood, and there I was placed on birth control pills. So to me, that meant free reign to have sex anytime I wanted to. I didn’t even know that sexual diseases existed, no one ever taught me, showed me, or explain to me the repercussions of having several sexual partners. To this day I am amazed that I was never infected with an STI.
Because I was more developed on top I was always considered older, so I constantly lied about my age . I could easily pass for eighteen when I was 15 . I was going to college parties with my friends and hanging out in abandoned houses having parties behind my grandmother’s back. I would lie and say I was staying the night with someone when in fact I was out partying all night. I would be lying if I said that I didn’t enjoy myself. Because I kind of consider those days to be some of my most carefree free living days, or should I say sin living days. I had the best girlfriends that any girl could ever have and if you are one of them, and you’re reading this I hope that you’re smiling . The sad thing about that is, the parents would lie for me about me being there. There were three parents exactly that I knew I could say that I was staying there and that they would lie for me, and if I was staying with a parent who wouldn’t lie for me, then we would sneak out the windows after they went to bed. It seems like this was a time when there was lots of sex and lots of drinking. This is why when my kids were growing up I had zero trust for other parents.
A couple of men stand out in my mind today that literally disgust me. I was 16 years old and having sex with a manager at my job ( I’m choosing to leave the name of the company out of this journal because they are still around and I don’t want repercussions). He was 37 and he knew exactly what he was doing. He would give me beer or wine and then have his way with me. At work though, he acted like I didn’t exist, and he would just wink at me or give me easy jobs to do instead of having to do what the other girls had to do. To be honest there were several managers in their thirties and forties having sex with the high school girls including one security officer who was in his fifties that had sex with a 16 year old friend of mine. It seems like every adult male there had their favorite high school girl. As a mature woman I now see this as a deplorable act and those men as molesters and rapists. The girls that I knew and were friends with were such good girls! In fact only the prettiest girls worked there,upstanding girls worked there and I wonder what it did to the psyche…
From there on my sexual experiences just went out of control for a while. Until I met the love of my life, Paul who would be the father of my children… I would be neglected and forgotten most of my life from there on as well and so the story continues.
I praise God everyday for renewing my body and my mind of things that I have experienced in my life. He has turned these things around as old and forgotten. He says behold all things have become new and I have wiped away your tears and I have wiped the Slate clean. He has taken so much shame out of my life and out of my heart.
Enough for today, time to turn off the bad memory machine….